Chapter 18: The Sweltering Fish Boat

He stepped in the bar and was quite a sight. He had been wearing the same suit for days. His face was covered in bird feathers, blood and dog spit, his pores still stung from the electrolysis, he couldnt remember anything that had happened to him the last time he came here, and felt he couldn’t leave because the world was filled with wild birds and blood thirsty dogs.

 

He stumbled to the bathroom, taking off his less than fancy jacket and rolling up his sleeves. His shirt was still unbuttoned from his unsuccessful attempt at sleep earlier in the evening, and he washed his face off with cold water. His body ached and his smile shone less bright. He had new bruises from being tackled and pinned by the dog, and the birds beak had left several small wound around his head that reminded him of paper cuts. The dull lingering pain from the previous days was being overshadowed by all sorts of new pain.

 

When he got as clean as he thought he could in the bathroom, he draped his jacket over his left arm, and stepped back out into the bar.

 

It was the same bartender as from the last time he was in, who seemed to immediately recognize him.

 

“Oh, good to see you! Hope you feel better now?” the bartender asked.

 

“I …”

 

“Ah ha ha ha, yes you do right! What do you want!”

 

“I want to go to sleep.” Morty muttered, “I just think that everything will be ok then. If I just sleep.”

 

“Ha ha, yes, well, you dont sleep here, but I make you Minnesota Baby Death, that make you sleep, yes?”

 

Minnesota baby death was a standard night cap for Minnesotan alcoholics, it was made by pouring 1 part Cinnamon Schnapps into a pint glass, followed by a healthy pour of vodka, then dissolving a Sucrets for an extra cherry flavor. This was followed by a layer of liquid horse radish for separation, then 1 part bourbon, then ground Benadryl, with a drizzle of Triple Sec. Finally, ever clear was poured on top and the concoction was set on fire. You could tell if someone was from Minnesota if they could take the whole pint in one draw.

 

The bartender slammed the flaming pint glass in front of Morty.

 

“This will make you sleep, you slept last time!”

Morty stared at the glass. He had never been a drinker, and didnt know what would happen to him this time. He didnt feel tired and couldnt stay awake. He could see his unblinking eyes reflected in the glass, dancing in the flickering flame.

 

“Its sunday night,” he thought, “if I can just get to sleep, this will all be over.”

 

Morty blew out the flame, and pulled the drink to his lips. The rim of the glass was still hot, and ever clear still sat as a thin varnish on the top. He began a long slow pull from his glass, and as the booze trickled down his throat, he could hear the bartender talking to him, like a megaphone in the fog.

 

“Hey buddy, you know how we were doing those haiku the other night? You think of any more, you tell me, ok … good form, I think its a good way to talk, its a good form, though I dont think you do any after you drink that…

 

but it seemed like you had a few of those the other night…”

 

The liquor maintained its separation with the slow drinking, each one only mixing as it dripped across his tongue, the fumes alone were intoxicating, the burn on his tongue alleviating his bleeding head, and blocking the smell of rancid dog piss that was covering his suit. His mind and his memories faded and he let himself regress to the state of infancy, of instinctual reaction.

 

Morty’s life regressed before his own thoughts. He lost track of his fear, his indifference, his acceptance. Reflections on his own life became empty musings. And he was only halfway done.

 

Continuing to chug, but moving his eyes from the bartender to the TV. The bartender had left the TV on one of Minnesota’s most popular cable channels: the all infomercial channel. They were on a commercial break from the infomercial and hawking the latest appliances for destitute housewives and a new type of chewing gun that was very very difficult to chew. As the jingles trailed out, and Morty reached the bottom of the glass, a new ad came on the air:

 

“Are you tired of working all day, and then having to pay bills? Are you tired of seeing all your friends get rich and famous while you are just an aimless loser? Do you love the community you are in and want to help expose other people to it, all while making a tidy profit?

 

If so, then you might be in the right market for NeuTech Real Estate Seminars. We teach you how to buy a house with no money down, and then refinance it for a better rate, so you only have to pay three times the amount of money for your house than what the actual value is. Sure we have testimonials, sure we have success stories, but wouldn’t you rather have a celebrity endorsement from our “chief-of-real-estate” Jimmy Beckham?”

 

A ghastly ghoulish visage appeared on the screen, so horrific and reprehensible, it looked like it was detached from the screen and appeared to be floating forward in three dimensions.

 

“I am Jimmy Beckham. I am think you should come to real estate seminar. In my quiet times, when I am not being international sports athelete or sunglass model, I often spend time doing endorsements, or also on real estate. It is interesting.”

 

Morty felt numb as a marshmallow, as his eyes rolled back and enveloped in darkness, he could follow his bodies motions as he fell back to the ground, consciousness fleeting, concerned cries rising around him, always holding his drink in place.

 

Thats how they do it in Minnesota.

 

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