Chapter 8: The Spectral Man-Bitch of Hell!


sorry, dont have a good jimmy beckham handy

The advertising that had floored Morty seemed innocuous enough: a standard celebrity endorsement of a womens hair removal station. But this was not your average celebrity. It was a professional athlete, who had no qualms about advertising himself to sell any product even if it did not relate to his own profession. In addition to having success in scoring many commercial contracts, he also was quite successful in his current occupation, though how remained a mystery, because he played soccer, and soccer requires no skill which is why only children, communists and Europeans play it. And Spectral Man-Bitches from Hell!

I guess I should explain. In the year of puny humans known as 877 A.D., an offshoot of a cult of satanic mercenaries in Jolly Old England Decided that they were not getting their message as the one true religion of vicious assassins they set out to prove a point.

They were the Drachma.

They set along the English countryside killing ferrets and raping longshoreman, burning squirrels, insulting town fanfare, and, most importantly, assassinating people well.

Take the case of Agnse Ambous, the plump choir leader in the forgotten town of Evenshitter. An assassin of Drachma appeared at the local apothecary selling victuals and sundries of the highest caliber, of Mrs. Ambose and learned her secrets, her weak constitution, her fear of persecution, her love of rich foods. In her servants, his cavalier actions sparked discontent, and through his well-cultivated informants, he learned of a plan by the servants to poison him. He ingeniously orchestrated a change of plates at the last minute, and Ambrous fell victim to the poisoned blood pudding stuffed turnip dumplings.

The assassin left a note confessing the crime only after he publicly persecuted and hanged all of the servants, including his informants.

There was another time where like four of them got some rocks and just kicked the shit out of this guy. I mean, they beat his ass to death, eyes hanging out and everything. Then they just took off, and no one saw them again.

Anyway, so the Drachma, lit the country side on fire with an unrelenting strike of violence. They slit the throat of every infant and gathered the blood in a single vial. They burned the crops and butchered the livestock and left it to rot. They spared the lives of villagers, but left them childless cripples capable only of killing each other for food as they slowly starved to death.

They took no money, so each man was left with their worthless wealth with nothing to fulfill it. They took no food or water, just lives and capability. And when they had finally filled the vial with the blood of the slaughtered infants, and created a vacuum of generations, when they had finally narrowed the British gene pool to an eternity of big ears, buck teeth and hairy noses, were homely (that means “cute” to them) children grow into ugly men who drip into hideous caricatures of their own heinousness, they gathered.

They gathered to the evil patriarch of the British: the Man-Bitch. The built the mother of all bon fires and sacrificed the local woodland animals. They poisoned trees and carved obscene drawings on rocks to curse future generations.

They threw carcasses in the rivers and choked the earth with brushfires, they spread misery in a sphere of destruction. And when the elements were all poisoned with the blood of the innocent, they crowded in a circle, poured the blood of the infants on the ground and chanted:

“Estus Pueltoti Lippi Wendoufulli”, which in Olde English meant “We summon the Spectral Man-Bitch of Hell!”

Again they chanted, as the blood drained to the ground, again as it seeped into the ground, again and again as it grew dark and thick in the heat of the fires and bodies surrounding it. The waiting turned to wailing, and the Drachma suffered. Unable to move as proscribed by their convictions, and unable to live in their own state; they were being assassinated by their own discipline. And as they weakened around the hardening pile of blood, a pale specter rose. At first it was just hints of a blue flame around the puddle, but as it grew, it drew on the serious emo pain that the assassins were feeling.

The huddle of assassins rippled in collapse, with each ring the flames grew larger. The specter loomed.

Concentrated between the dancing shadows of the endless fucking forest fires, and with the hue of the blue specter, a form appeared: a small shell. It floated silently to the center of the group. The group collapsed in death. They had razed the countryside and left a populace steeped in idolatry.

And from that, he grew. A wart on the ground at first, but then a slovenly moss. The moss pimpled to a fungus, oozing along the ground. The fungus devoured and assimilated, and grew. As it consumed, it also destroyed. It left the earth scorched and the air smokey where it moved. It dissolved rock and beast alike. And as it consumed, it grew. It built more mass and refined its consumption. It targeted anything close by and devoured it whole, claws and appendix alike.

When it reached the stature of a man, its skin coagulated and he took a calculatedly sculpted look. One born of aeons of destruction. The wellspit of despair, the bastion of angst, his focus of hatred was only matched by his animosity toward the helpless.

He lived in the woods for decades. Living in the shadows of the town and feeding off of the domesticated animals. He always collected the pelts and would save the bones to leave as warning signs to local hunters. As his dexterity increased he would weave pelt scraps into rope and tie the dried bones into intricate jewelry.

He could only roar, his vocal chords were too raw to make any enunciable sound, but so tiny that he had a high voice like a Eurotrash Princess. When he roared, it squealed, frightened livestock, made dogs snarl and infants cry. But his development was incomplete, so he sat in the shadows, cloaked in squirrel pelts, squealing into colloquialisms and local legends.

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