Archive for November, 2007

Chapter 28: And this, my friend, is the end.
Thursday, November 29th, 2007

Morty continued to flee, and ran through the outskirts of town, through the fields and up in to the hills. As the land grew studded with trees, and the rumbles faded, Morty took his opportunity and leaned against a tree to catch his breath.   He turned back and faced the town, from up in [...]

Chapter 27: mega-Beckham
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

    Beckham had come far over the centuries. He had managed to work through societies and live between different cultures. He slowly learned the temperance he had been born lacking, and in the beginning of the second Millennium, he had decided to re-enter public life, after laying low after murdering a shoe manufacturer and [...]

Chapter 26: And then…
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

  Morty saw a rat dart out from an alley into the sidewalk. It looked around quickly and ran in a zig-zag avoiding hydrants, trees and people. A few seconds later two more rats came running out, and looked around panicked, they headed passed Morty and off, away from the sunset. Two became five, and [...]

Chapter 25: The calm before the storm.
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

Morty walked confidently from the podium when the crowd had left. He had a small pile of index cards with his speech that he had put in his pocket.   Hypnosis had served him well, he had seen in his visions the power that comes with being able to influence and manipulate humans. He had [...]

Chapter 24: So its Come to this
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

“Hello, my name is Morty Sharp. My hobbies are masturbating in public, and kicking dogs.”   “Hi, Morty!”   “All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a degenerate. Its amazing how sometimes life’s plans can work out for you. If you aim low enough.”   Like in his dreams, the crowd began [...]

Chapter 23: Towards the future my son.
Monday, November 26th, 2007

The future had worked out well for Morty. The man he had strangled had settled out of court for Morty’s fancy hat, because it was really nice. That was the closest Morty had ever come to being in trouble and he felt revitalized.   He began to study real estate. Not just the empty feel-good [...]

Chapter 22: The spectral man-bitch from hell throughout history.
Monday, November 26th, 2007

Jimmy Beckham stayed in the english countryside for centuries. Over time, he adapted to the local languages and customs. He would pass through towns disguised as a traveler, hire an escort through the woods, murder him and feed on his eyeball juices. He believed that would make him speak more manly. It didn’t. Though, he [...]

Chapter 21: The Power of Positive Real Estate.
Sunday, November 25th, 2007

  Morty fled his job, and the scene of the assault, and walked quickly in the opposite direction of the customer. He didnt recognize them, and Dale didnt know much about Morty’s personal life, but he could still be tracked down. It was a small town, after all.   Morty kept down the streets and [...]

Chapter 20: Dale’s Flower Salon.
Sunday, November 25th, 2007

Having lived through the weekend, and polished himself nicely, with his fancy suit properly febreezed and his hat ready to go. He admired his new cleanly shorn, yet indestructible face in the mirror and walked out a whistilin.   In the morning sun, everything that had happened before, even waking up in the park all [...]

Chapter 19: Crackhead Politics and Tangerine Fishsticks.
Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Morty opened his eyes up. It was still dark, he was in an alley slumped against a utility pole. A thin string of drool trickled from his lip and hung suspended just above his lapel. He was conscious, but his breathing still sounded like snoring. He once again pulled himself to his feet and wiped [...]

Chapter 18: The Sweltering Fish Boat
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

He stepped in the bar and was quite a sight. He had been wearing the same suit for days. His face was covered in bird feathers, blood and dog spit, his pores still stung from the electrolysis, he couldnt remember anything that had happened to him the last time he came here, and felt he [...]

Chapter 17: One stands alone.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007

  Morty kept his stumbling through the alleys, unaware of the flocks of weasels, the survivalists and the grubby teenage urchins all keeping to themselves. As the sun continued to set, and the heat dissipated, Morty began to come to his senses. The constant sun had left him hungover with dehydration. The clincher was the [...]

Chapter 16: The Lore of Boat Jeep.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007

Aside from the wildlife, the derelicts, and the misguided social class, there was a large underground experimental military base left in the underground. The personnel never came around, but occasionally their autonomous robot army would break out and find themselves wadering as confused automata in the local streets and fields. Generally the types of machines [...]

Chapter 15: And then there were the Drachma.
Thursday, November 15th, 2007

  The Drachma were a relatively recent group that were convinced they had resuscitated an ancient order of assassins. They were constantly in search of new converts, but most of them were uninterested in killing people, more just looking for a club to belong to. They often killed small animals near town, and were organized [...]

Chapter 14: The Tribes of the Insane
Thursday, November 15th, 2007

    The sun sank on the unquestionably hot day, and Morty was no where to be found. The weasels were returning to the fields from their daily suburban hunting packs, and you could hear the crunching of dog gristle and choking on hairballs amongst their squealing numbers. The calm breeze had wiltered to stillness [...]

Chapter 13: Face prints.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007

  Morty pulled himself back to his feet. He shook off the last lingering sleep and felt it quickly replaced by pains covering the destructable parts of his body. He stepped again into the bathroom and blinked at the mirror. It had apparently been days since he had last shaved. Something struck him as unnatural [...]

Chapter 12: Lizard sense.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007

In the beginning, when we were all still lizards, we began the inklings of what we would call body language. As we grew into more habitable environments and lost most of our natural weapons, we decided to band together into societies. As our scales refined, and our eyes lost their red, we kept the same [...]

Chapter 11: Lets try that again.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007

Morty found himself awake again. He had landed, indestructible face first into the metal seal of the doorway of the plastic bathroom. He took a deep breath and pulled himself up.   “Golly, we are having a baaaa-aaad day!”   His face may have been indestructible, but his skin could still crease. There was a [...]

Chapter 10: Freebasing the great divining rod.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007

Morty woke up, fully clothed, on top of his bed. He was lying on his back, with his fingertips pressed tightly together, and his wrists resting on his chest. He eyeballs were dry. He had no idea where he had been. He came to a quick moral quandry because he wasnt sure how to change [...]

Chapter 9: The beginning of the Astounding Flounders.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007

The Astounding Flounders were a rock duo from Cincinatti. They were not particularly interesting. What could be of interest is that they … nope, sorry, not working. Nothing interesting about these guys.

Chapter 8: The Spectral Man-Bitch of Hell!
Saturday, November 10th, 2007

  sorry, dont have a good jimmy beckham handy The advertising that had floored Morty seemed innocuous enough: a standard celebrity endorsement of a womens hair removal station. But this was not your average celebrity. It was a professional athlete, who had no qualms about advertising himself to sell any product even if it did [...]

Chapter 7: HEY, HEY MAN! WAKE UP!
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

Morty’s eyes rolled back and focused on a man standing over him. “HEY MAN, YOU OK?” Disoriented, Morty pulled himself to his feet and didn’t even notice the postcard blowing away in the wind. “Hey, its good to see you’re Ok, man. The power lines is what do it. Its because the government has too [...]

Chapter 6: Morty Gets Back To His Fucking Mailbox
Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

“At last,” Morty thought shiningly, “presents from mister Postmaster!” In his mailbox was a lone flyer from Frepointe Electrolysis Saloon: “ DID YOU KNOW: Electrolysis has been a safe and fun method of hair removal for at least 100 years? DID YOU KNOW: In a recent Newsweek poll, Americans found they preferred People With Less [...]

Chapter 5: In which Morty discovers his secret power.
Monday, November 5th, 2007

Morty had an indestructible face.   Morty fell 6 feet and 8 inches from the ceiling to the ground and moved to a swan dive when his arms cleared the window. Morty landed face first and the rest of his body stood rigid while his face absorbed the impact. There was a water like ripple [...]

Chapter 4: In which Morty reaches the mailbox.
Monday, November 5th, 2007

Morty reached the mailbox, and realized he had forgotten his keys. He was a dumb son of a bitch like that. He walked back to his door and found that he had locked himself out. He walked back around his apartment building to the open, lone window out of his apartment, and looked in. There [...]

Chapter 3: In which I write fervently to catch up on a couple days slacking.
Monday, November 5th, 2007

  Fervently. Bet you never heard that one before. In the early oughts, Morty found his ass waking up on an especially brisk spring morning. The birds were singsonging with some high-pitched shrill bullshit that would have murdered any sane motherfucker with a hangover, but Morty was still in his blank phase. It made him [...]

Chapter 2: A more proper introduction.
Monday, November 5th, 2007

  So lets backtrack. You probably just think Morty is a crazy alcoholic bum who talks to his clothes, is stalked by dogs and has a demasculating job in a shithole midwestern town. Thats only part of it.   For most of his life, Morty had just been a blank. A statistic that seemingly only [...]

Chapter 1: In which Morty talks to hats
Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Chapter 1: In which Morty talks to hats.   “Hello, my name is Morty Sharp. My hobbies are masturbating in public, and kicking dogs.”   “Hi, Morty!”   “All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a degenerate. Its amazing how sometimes life’s plans can work out for you. If you aim low [...]